I thought I might be the one to cure you since I was the cause of all.
“It cannot happen again”
Was all I needed to hear. Not something I necessarily wanted to hear, but I needed it and God gave it to me.
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Past is the past. Future is in store for greater things. Gotta wake up. I’m gonna be a better person. Today was such a productive day. Planning to be more & crazily productive this summer. Nothing will stop me!! Three days of massive headache, tears, vomit, sickness has passed and I am well. Better than ever. I just realized I don’t even have time to breathe nor relax nor think nor dwell upon things. I’m anxious, I’m nervous, I’m busy, I’m tired, but I like this. It’s good tired. Hoping I’ll just wake up in time tomorrow morning. I’m gonna be healthy in all aspects, happy, and hmmm hallelujah? :)
Song for tonight:
“no one loves you like I love you”- Let Love Win by Jon Thurlow
Today is Friday. JK it just passed 12 o’ clock so it’s Saturday.
6~7:00 pm - Pre-exam session
8:00 pm - head to bus stop
8:25 pm - head to train station
9:00 pm - arrive at train station and chill at yogurt shop
9:40 pm - take train
11:50 pm - arrive at home.
At school, I was thinking of not coming home this weekend and missing mission training for the first time. If I miss a day, I have to pay $20 as penalty fee. I just didn’t feel like going home. I can’t find a ride this time. I’m scared to ride the bus & train alone so late. I can just ask jdsn to excuse me this time because I have to study for finals. I’ve been missing Sarang Sunday church too many times. I miss my adorable kids. I made a commitment that I couldn’t keep. I’m so irresponsible. It’s the last Sunday of Sarang church before summer, and I might have to miss church again because of stupid review session. Ugh. I also feel like a burden when I’m home. My dad never seems excited to see me since I come home every single weekend. This really sucks.
Fullerton station.
I get out of the train slouching and with eyes barely opened. It’s so dark I can’t see anything.. I’m wandering around looking for my dad. He stands tall wearing white collar-shirt and jeans, and he’s waving with his arms high and with a smile on his face…
My tiredness disappears. I can’t help but run to him like a kid even though I’m twenty. He wraps me around on his side with his long arm. We’re walking to our car and I’m close to him, and I look up at him. He’s still smiling and talking to me, asking me how the train ride was and jokingly asking if the driver was falling asleep (since the train arrived later than ususal)..
When people meet my dad, they say he’s so cute and so sweet and so loving… The truth is, for twenty years, I never had a good memory with my dad. Other daughters often say they want to marry someone like their dad or they’re daddy’s girl or they just love talking about how close they are with their dad. I’m not. I’m always secretly jealous when I hear these things because, to me, my dad is someone I feared the most for the longest time and someone so unreachable, physically and emotionally. I wouldn’t be able to use my ten fingers if I were to count how many times I’ve hugged my dad. Maybe not even my five fingers.. Also, I’m being stereotypical, but he’s an extremely traditional Korean father who does not openly show affection. The problem is, I don’t either. Ever since I was little, my mom always told me to aegyo (be cutesy) to dad because dads melt from their daughters’ aegyo and they will do ANYTHING for their little girl. I never listened and always told mom I don’t have any aegyo. This was the relationship we had and we often talked through mom. She was the messenger.
Now, after twenty years…ok maybe like fifteen years of no touchy stuff, it feels a bit awkward wrapped around his arm, but it’s good awkward and it’s comfortable. I really love this. I’ve never felt this secure and warm before in my life! Can’t even compare it to any other hugs. I have to admit, I had a difficult time remembering why I didn’t want to come home. Dad, I might not be as expressively affectionate as other daughters out there, but I love you very much and you are the living testimony of God’s kingdom <3 One day, hopefully, I’ll be able to tell you this face-to-face.
Feels nice to be home :)
I’ve been babied all my life and I am disgusted of how selfish I can be. God, help me.
Then He responds, “I’m molding and working in you, but I must tell you that pain will follow. Just like today. Are you in?”
The Vine and the Branches
1. The verse that stood out to me the most in this part of John 15 was: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
This verse just made me realize that God and I are one ever since I accepted Him back in high school and without Him, I can do nothing, I have nothing, and I AM nothing. I remember seeing someone getting healed from deep depression through a pastor’s passionate prayer. I hear about people healing from diseases through prayers. My mom healed from a disease through prayer and the Holy Spirit. This just explains how much power we have through Christ. Just like how Jesus Christ performed miracles, we can, too, if we have God in us. Honestly, even after seeing these miracles, it’s hard for me to believe that I might be capable of doing such things since I am also God’s daughter. I still think I can do things by myself especially when it comes to my studies. I really want to be a doctor. Not because my parents want me to but I sincerely want to be one, but these days I just don’t know if I can. My mom asked me, “Do you ask God to help you? Did you tell Him about what you want to do?” And to be honest, I don’t tell Him how passionately I dream of becoming a doctor. I never really told Him about what I wanted to do because maybe.. just maybe.. I still thought I can do this myself without God, at least for now. This is wrong. I want to include God in what I do and what I dream of doing, and here in this verse, He tells me,“apart from me you can do nothing.” Also, if I ask Him about my passion and if it is really what God has in store for me, then He said, “you will bear much fruit.” So I’m going to start telling Him every day until He gets tired of listening to me!
God’s very first command: love others just as I have loved you. This is hard. It’s sometimes impossible or I think it’s impossible. One time, someone really wronged me. I felt cheated, I felt so used, it just felt so unfair. I remember venting to someone about it, saying that I can’t forgive nor love that friend and I don’t know if I ever could. And this person told me, “You know, you can’t. I’m just going to say the honest truth. You can’t love him, not by your own will, your power, your heart, your whatsoever. You know why? You need God to overflow His love onto your heart FIRST in order for you to love him, your friend that wronged you. People say that they can love, they can forgive, but it’s not that easy. You end up becoming lukewarm about it and be ignorant about it and get numb over it. God doesn’t like lukewarm, so pray that you may really overflow with God’s love and that that love will somehow reach the people you cannot love.” This is why it relates to the first part. “Apart from me you can do nothing,” not even genuinely love others, which is His most important command.
The World Hates the Disciples
2. Second verse that really opened my eyes was: ”If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”
Simply, if you try your best to be more like Jesus, no doubt the world will hate you for being “too conservative,” “too innocent,” “can’t take a joke,” and oh, you know what I mean. You will feel like you do not belong anywhere on this earth. The truth is, you DON’T belong in this world. You belong in heaven with God, our Father. Sometimes I feel like such an outcast because I don’t know how to “have fun” in this world. Sometimes, I do want to try things just to fit in. And every attempt I make, God somehow crazily stops me. He says I don’t have to conform to this world because God shaped me in a way where I only fit in heaven and where I only find pleasure in His kingdom. And same goes for you, so smile if they hate you because the more they do it, the more you know you are fit for the kingdom of heaven!
If you are indulging and giving in to all the things this world offers, how are you any different from those that do not believe?
I gotta wake up.
Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” 2 Corinthians 6:17
